I’ve included the image to the right as this valley in Hawaii is the closest place in the real world to match the place where this dream takes place. In 2009 I had visited Waipio Valley, which is one valley over from Waimanu Valley pictured to the right.
The Dream : I was driving fairly fast through a mountain pass, much like what is pictured here. There were a few friends in the car with me. As we emerged from the pass, I was going too fast to make the turn and we careened off the shore and into the ocean. The car immediately sunk to the bottom, which seemed to be about 200 feet deep. The water was murky brown. As I began to swim to the surface, I did not feel worried or concerned, as somehow I knew that I could breath underwater. I took a deep breath as I slowly ascended to the surface.
I realized that there was something valuable in the car at the bottom that my friends and I had to retrieve. It was something valuable like gold. So I decided to find a place to stay so we could setup a retrieval operation with SCUBA gear.
While my friends were still floating on the water above where the car had sunk, I was in a building (bed and breakfast maybe?) just near the place on shore where we had careened off. I had reserved a room for us, and for some reason I was also sampling a small glass of fine custom beer. It was like I was tasking a small amount of wine before the waiter poured the full glass from the bottle.
There was about 3 swallows of beer in this glass. This beer was quite literally the best glass of beer I recall ever having. It was slightly bitter tasting, and tasted a little like some other fancy beers I had drank. But this one was just better. The moment felt so entirely real to me and the taste was incredible. In tasting this beer, I had satiated a craving I have been having but have been unable to satisfy in waking life.
As I start to write this, I’m guessing most people won’t make it through the entire story. Primarily because I have no idea where to begin. There is no single clear message to convey with this story. I’m still sitting here in awe at what happened, trying to make sense of it all. However, I feel compelled to put it down in writing, mostly for my own sake.
Anyone who has read about my various dream explorations on this website knows my passion for dreams and other aspects such as astral projection and out of body experiences. Dreams are how I connect with my God and maintain a spiritual practice. Unfortunately I’ve been in somewhat of a spiritual limbo for well more than two year as I write this. Between March 2012 and March 2013 there are exactly 3 entries in my dream journal. And based on the nearly daily journals from the previous year, that’s a major change.
So, how did I get here? As with many big moments in my life, it all started with a dream.
In December 2010 I was on somewhat of a dream quest. I had decided that I was going to record my dreams every single morning for at least 30 days. If I could not remember the dream, I vowed to write in my journal anyway, just about how I was feeling. This would set the habit/pattern of immediately reaching for my dream journal in the morning. On the morning of December 31st 2010 I recorded three lucid dreams in one night. Then, three nights later I had another lucid dream where I perceived Juliette Lewis to have come into my dream.
Understand, that at this same time I was on this dream quest, I was also attending a meetup group on Buddhism. And I was also practicing yoga with a strong intent of opening my heart to love. Not love in the sense for a significant other, but love in general. I was practicing mantras similar to the first part of this one that were targeted at opening my heart to love for everyone.
Approximately two weeks after the previously mentioned lucid dream, I met a woman who looked very similar to the version of Juliette Lewis in that lucid dream. So much so, that for a moment I thought that maybe I was mistaken about it having been Juliette Lewis in the dream. Lets call this woman Cindy for the sake of this post. Regardless of whether it was Cindy in the dream or not is somewhat irrelevant. What matters is what happened to me when I encountered her and spent some time with her over the course of only a few days. Somehow I bonded with this woman in a way that I have never done with anyone in the past.
In the course of only a couple of days, I went from being in this really great place in my life, filled with love and joy, to a complete mess. There were a few times when I would simply break down and cry for no apparent reason. At those times I felt like my life was falling to pieces, even though it was not.
Cindy, who I had bonded with was in the process of losing her home of many years. She could no longer afford the home. The home that she had raised her family in. She was planning to go out of state for one month after selling her house due to a prior commitment, and then she had no idea where she was going to live upon returning. I helped her move her belongings into storage before she was to leave town. In the nature of the teachings I was practicing, I was trying as best as I could to help her through these difficult times, and at the same time I was sharing her emotional pain which was entirely overwhelming for me.
Around this same time, my five year old son became emotionally distressed. While I was trying to hold things together, I watched him go into emotional fits. One time he burst into tears and was screaming in the parking lot of New Seasons. I sat there just holding him while he cried for about 5 minutes non-stop. There was absolutely no reason for these sudden outbursts he was having. And he was unable to explain to me what was wrong with him. He was simply sad. His mom even asked me if I knew what was wrong with him. She said that he was acting very odd and that he seemed to be having the same emotional stress that he was exhibiting around me. She said that she was really worried about him.
Then, something happened that was frightening to me. My son, who rarely volunteers to tell me about his dreams ran into my bedroom one morning and wanted to tell me about his dream from the night before. He asked me to write it down in the journal I keep for him by my bed.
These are his exact words
“A raccoon was sleeping in a tree. And then a dinosaur came, but the raccoon was safe because the tree was covered. And then I was in the tree with my friend raccoon. And then the tree bonked the mean dinosaur.”
Then, when I checked my email about an hour later, there was an email from Cindy expressing her concern about the raccoon’s living on her roof. She had this fear that the people buying her house may harm or kill the raccoon’s. She referred to them as her animal friends.
Between my own emotional distress, my sons emotional distress and his dream coinciding with Cindy’s troubles, I felt a strong urge to step back from whatever it was that I was sharing with Cindy. I was somewhat torn about it. I wanted to stick to my original commitment to help her through the difficult times, but I was a little concerned that somehow this bond was carrying over to my son and effecting his well being.
It was good that Cindy was gearing up to leave town for a month. This would give me time to step back and to disconnect. It did indeed give me some time to disconnect. However, upon her return, I found that there was still a very strong connection to her. While not as strong as before, it was still there. At least she was in a much better place when she returned, so things were not so bad.
When Cindy returned from her trip motivated to start her new business, I offered her some advice and some tips on an area that I knew a little something about. Unfortunately, for some reason she decided she didn’t trust me to help her anymore. She interpreted my effort to assist her as an attempt to get money from her. She believed that I was trying to own up some part of her new business. She was absolutely furious with me for having registered a .com domain name on her behalf, even after she had verbally told me to go ahead and register it for her. While the domain was registered entirely in her name, this did not seem to quell her anger at me for having registered it on her behalf. That’s when the hurtful words came spewing from her mouth. She accused me of being a control freak. She tried very hard to convince me that the entire reason I was into lucid dreaming had to do with this sick controlling nature of mine. She wanted to convince me that I had this need to be in control of everything, including my dreams.
I was completely shattered and heart broken about this. She took the most beautiful and important thing in my life and stomped on it as hard as she could. I believe there is a strong possibility that Cindy knew what she was doing when she said these words to me. I believe she wanted to get even with me and hurt me the way she perceived me to have hurt her. Either that, or she really did believe that I was a control freak. Either way, it hurt just as deeply.
Over the course of the next six months, the entries slowed tremendously in my dream journal. I would wake in the morning and see my dream journal there and I would hear those hurtful words coming from this woman who I had bonded with and cared so much for. So, rather than having to think about her, or those hurtful words, I stopped thinking about my journal entirely. And in doing so I started to remember less and less of the dreams I was having. I had completely shut her down along with my spiritual practice.
As I said, I’m still somewhat in awe about this entire experience. I’ve been racking my brain over it, wondering why on earth did this happen? Why have I gone through this? Why would I allow her words to hurt me so deeply that it would effect my spiritual practice?
One way or another, I must move on and get back to living my life properly. I can’t let another persons diatribe from two plus years ago effect my state of being today. It is absolutely ridiculous that I’ve allowed this to effect me for so long.
Breathing deeply right now. And off to meditate and set good intentions before sleep.
When it comes to alcoholism and drug addiction the 12 steps are one of the most widely accepted and most successful treatment plans for getting better. However, if you’re an atheist with a serious addiction problem, diving into these steps can seem near impossible when the second and third steps go against everything you’ve ever believed in. And steps two and three are just the beginning of the God steps.
I do not believe that God created man in his own image. I believe the exact opposite. I believe that man (humans) created a God in our own image. The idea of a supreme being that created us goes against everything I’ve held so close for most of my life. And yet, at the same time I can tell you that God saved me from alcoholism, and I was able to get through the 12 steps. God was looking out for me during my recovery.
Full disclosure here. I have never really been an atheist. I have always been an agnostic. And being that I have always had some spiritual aspects to my belief system, perhaps it was not as difficult for me as it may be for a complete atheist who only accepts scientific proof. In any event, I hope this information is helpful for those godless folks who are trying to find a path forward with the 12 steps.
The first thing you should do is truthfully ask yourself if you hold anger or animosity toward the idea of a god. For me, I most definitely held such attitudes toward religion and God. In Hollywood, there is this huge white cross at the top of a hill just north of town. I recall saying out loud to my best friend once, “We should climb that hill and tear that cross down”. This was sometime before 1995 when that comment slipped from my mouth. It never really occurred to me how much anger I held for organized religion until that moment when my friend was dumbfounded. He very politely, yet in a shocked tone, asked what had happened to me to make me have so much hostility. And I was forced into silence because I didn’t have an answer for him. I was kind of dumbfounded at myself for having said it. I took years to figure that out. Sure, I could point to events where religious leaders did evil things, especially in the case of Catholic priests sexually abusing children. But this is absolutely no excuse for being hostile toward the entire institution. The actions of a few individuals should not taint the reputation of the entire collective/group. I’ve met many good Catholics who press for positive change in their institution. And I’ve looked upon some very religious people with great respect for their loving, caring, and giving nature. My anger was formed out of a classic logic fallacy that I was guilty of committing when nurturing that anger inside myself.
If you find that you hold such animosity, perhaps it would be a good idea to address that before continuing this read. 🙂 It is possible that this will do nothing for you if you’re in that place where I was prior to 1995.
Some might say that I live in a state of paradox when it comes to God. I am entirely at peace with that. And so I want to share with you God as I understand her. I use the word her, because if there is a god, it makes sense that she is female. Women are the ones that give birth, not men. It just seems more elegant to me that way. That is my choice to make that distinction, and I don’t believe it makes much difference what gender you decide your god is.
Five years ago, in November 2008, I wanted to die. I was seriously depressed. I was drinking heavily at least three or four times per week. On average, every other evening when I would get my three-year-old son to bed at 8pm, I would go from sober to passed out drunk in just three hours. I was drinking 8%-12% alcoholic beers, followed by screwdrivers and martinis. I had to mix it up with different kinds of alcohol because my body seemed able to get more into it that way. I was doing this privately so none of my friends or family really knew about it.
I was drinking so heavily that I was having chest pains. I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, wondering if this was the night I was going to have a heart attack. The thought that my son in the next room could wake up to find his dad dead was not enough to stop the madness.
Then, on the morning of January 7th 2009, I woke with the profound sense that I was done. I got online and downloaded the big blue book in PDF format and found out where the nearest and soonest AA meeting was. I knew full well the problems I would have with the steps, but I proceeded anyway. I was inspired. It didn’t seem to bother me that I took a hug from the AA volunteer/coordinator when my body was probably perspiring with alcohol.
Where did this profound sense of purpose come from? To this day I can’t say for certain. But I suspect it was God as I understand her. She must have come to me in my dreams.
Finding the strength and inspiration to get through the God steps probably started back in the late 1980’s when I was about 21 years old. I was getting into lucid dreaming, and I was journaling in a dream log nearly every morning. At one point I was having lucid dreams nearly every single night.
One dream in particular was really powerful to me. It was a dream where I was with my dad at a car show in Reno, Nevada. Understand that I had not spoke to my dad for entire year when I had this dream. It turned out that my dad was at a car show (Hot August Nights) in Reno on the same exact weekend that I had the dream. I interpreted the dream as an out-of-body experience, or more accurately as an astral projection. There was no way that dream was a coincidence. I had actually traveled to another level of existence, the astral plane, in my dream. For those atheists that require proof of OBE, there is tons of research on the subject with plenty of case studies that indicate out-of-body experiences are a real thing. I suppose that it’s not hard proof, but it is strongly indicative.
What does this have to do with God? Well, the dream planted a powerful seed. The idea that perhaps my consciousness could exist outside of my physical body. Some would call this your spirit or soul. And today I can agree with calling it that. But the even more powerful seed that grew from this dream was the concept of a universal consciousness. The idea that each and every one of us is connected in a deep way on a non-physical level.
About 30 days after I quit drinking, I did something that would probably be frowned upon by those who understood just how deeply my problem with alcohol ran. If there was any such person. I went to Hawaii on a ten-day vacation with three friends who still drank alcohol. This was at a time when I was still living one day at a time.
On night two of our trip we were all out by the pool of our hotel with a couple of local women we had invited over. Everyone was drinking alcohol except me. And the night was not without pressure to have just one drink. I remember telling one of my friends that I was just not going to drink that night. I said that I was most likely going to partake in alcohol the next night, though. And when I said those words it made it real. I knew with every bone in my body that I was going to drink alcohol the next night. I had set my course.
The next morning I woke up before everyone else, probably because I was sober and went to bed before everyone else. I quietly got up and got on my rented bike and started down the road to return my snorkel gear from the day before. I was thinking about how I was probably going to drink that night. I was seriously conflicted about it and I was going back and forth in my head. It was a heavy burden sitting on my shoulders. I could feel it dragging me down.
As I pulled up to the snorkel rental shop in this frustrated and confused state, there among the palm trees was a group of about 35 people sitting in a close circle and taking turns speaking. I knew right away that it was an AA meeting. Still, I asked the guy at the shop for confirmation before I joined the meeting, a little late.
My AA chip from Hawaii
As I approached the group, the weight on my shoulders started to lift immediately. Before I even sat down I had already decided that I was just not going to drink again that night. And by the time the meeting was over, I was entirely convinced that I was going to make it through the vacation without drinking. — no amount of pressure or inquiries from my friends would convince me otherwise. Though, to be clear, my friends were completely supportive of my decision. The only pressure was quite likely in my own mind, the desire to fit in with the group.
When I say that God had intervened while I was in Hawaii, it should not be interpreted that I believe there was a supreme being that stepped in and put that AA meeting on my path. What I mean when I say that God intervened is that the universal consciousness, which is full of love, compassion, and empathy from the collective/everyone conspired to make sure that I returned my snorkel gear in time to make it to that AA meeting. As we are all connected in that non-physical realm, enough souls knew that I was in trouble and they answered my plea for help by waking me up and compelling me to return my gear extra early, even though it was not due back for several more hours.
If you’ve never seen the indie film Ink, I encourage you to watch it. That is, of course, assuming that you find my story remotely interesting. If you’re entirely atheist with no openness to spirituality it may not be something you would enjoy. This movie reflected my thoughts on my own journey so closely that I was crying at several points. Keep in mind that the special effects are low budget.
When I say that I will pray for you, I’m not saying that I will ask the supreme being to intervene in your particular situation to make things better or to heal you or your family. When I say that I will pray for you, I’m saying that I will meditate and connect with other souls on the astral plane and ask them to join me in a collective embrace. To give you a great big astral hug and to send healing thoughts and energy your way.
If you require some physical proof of this collective consciousness, think about it in terms of quantum mechanics. Think about the fact that two particles can share the same quantum state (entangled), even though they are separated by great distances. If one particle changes state, the other particle is also immediately changed. While much is unknown about this phenomenon, I encourage you to speculate and brainstorm and keep an open mind about the field. Who’s to say if this very real science is not also part of what enables this communication within our dreams and with practiced meditation for some. I suspect that when people pray, they are connecting to this quantum network, or astral plane as I call it. I’m not suggesting that quantum entanglement is any kind of proof at all. I’m only saying that you should not discount it as something you can spiritually identify with. And in the spirit of trying to get through the steps, perhaps this will allow you to bend the definition of God, just enough, to move forward with your healing.
When I sit in a room full of alcoholics and say that God is present in this room, I’m not suggesting that there is this supreme being present and guiding our group to recovery. What I’m saying is that I can sense this tremendous love and empathy the group has toward one another. This collective desire to guide as many people as possible to a healthy and happy life away from addiction and alcohol. I imagine that it feels much the same way to me as it would feel to someone who truly believes there is a supreme being present in the room guiding the group to recovery.
This universal consciousness or collective that I’ve come to believe in is God as I understand her. And in my opinion, it seems to be a far distance from the traditional God that I grew up learning about — that traditional God that sets rules for us and enforces those rules with the threat of eternal suffering in Hell. God as I understand her has no such definitive rules. She is constantly evolving and changing with us, because she is us. She is inside each and every one of our hearts.
I would like to encourage those atheists seeking to get sober or fight addiction to consider stretching your definition of God. That power that is greater than yourself may simply be Mother Earth or Mother Nature (Gaia). One cannot deny that the powerful rotation of the Earth on its axis and around the sun and around the galaxy is a power that is greater than oneself. It is something that is entirely out of your control. In this sense, you are not in control of your life at all. This is just an example, of course. Choose whatever analogy or metaphor you want for God as you understand him or her or it — whatever works to get you through the steps. I’m certain that you will not regret it.
breath in deeply and while doing so imagine your heart expanding with your breath
hold here for a moment
and as you exhale imagine your heart filling the space from your relaxing lungs know that your heart has grown
: repeat as desired :
breath in deeply and, as you do visualize your heart expand beyond your body
revel in this moment
and as you exhale imagine your breath expanding your heart like a balloon visualize your heart encompassing those around you
visualize love
: repeat as desired :
and if you feel a pang that may be the sweet sting of empathy love and empathy are enmeshed
someone near you may be in pain if it is safe to do so give them a smile give them a hug show them your love
be wary of fear be wary of anger be wary of hate
as one who loves as one with empathy you will encounter these emotions
and it can hurt like the heartbreak of lost love even without being “in love” causing your heart to retract in defense sometimes it is all we can do to survive
but living in a shell is not living at all
and so, I breath in deeply you ready for this, heart?
Perhaps I am most grateful for coming to this understanding about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not something that we do for other people. And an apology is not something that is required to forgive. Not only that, but it is not even required that the offending party acknowledge that an offense exists.
As a child and young adult, I recall several occasions where I had this strong need or desire to receive an apology for something I perceived as a wrong against me. I’m thankful to know better today.
As I type this, even now that I know this aspect of forgiveness, I am struggling to truly let go of a lingering need to receive an apology for something that happened over two years ago (2011). I don’t believe it bothers me on a daily waking basis. But it does bother me when I remember and think about it. I think because I shut off all emotion associated with this person without really going through the pain. There were some fairly unusual circumstances with the situation that caused me to shut off all emotion surrounding her.
Sadly, this online dream journal of mine has suffered, as well as the one on my night stand. Because many times when I would pick up my dream journal, I would remember the hurtful words coming from her mouth. So instead, I just didn’t think about the dream journal.
So, I’m allowing myself to remember this pain. I firmly declare that I will remember this perceived wrong so that I can forgive. And so that the next time I remember this person, I will not remember the perceived offense as a first memory.
I will remember that this person is beautiful inside and out. I will remember that this person is a human being, with all the flaws and imperfections that go with being human. Just like me.
I’ve included the image to the right as this valley in Hawaii is the closest place in the real world to match the place where this dream takes place. In 2009 I had visited Waipio Valley, which is one valley over from Waimanu Valley pictured to the right.
On night two of our trip we were all out by the pool of our hotel with a couple of local women we had invited over. Everyone was drinking alcohol except me. And the night was not without pressure to have just one drink. I remember telling one of my friends that I was just not going to drink that night. I said that I was most likely going to partake in alcohol the next night, though. And when I said those words it made it real. I knew with every bone in my body that I was going to drink alcohol the next night. I had set my course.
Perhaps I am most grateful for coming to this understanding about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not something that we do for other people. And an apology is not something that is required to forgive. Not only that, but it is not even required that the offending party acknowledge that an offense exists.