My imperfect preachy self

Image from Andrey Safanov on 123rf.com

I am imperfect. I am flawed in so many ways that I don’t bother to count the ways. And while I’m at peace in knowing of my imperfections, I am filled with a desire to improve myself. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.

One way that I work to improve myself is by first knowing who it is that I want to be. I know that I want to live with integrity, love, compassion and empathy. I do not ever want to let fear or anger take the wheel and drive.  Though currently, I still allow it more than I would like.

Next I am taking action. One way that I take action is through writing in various ways.  Have you ever heard the expression “Dress for the job you want to have, and not for the job that you do have”? Well, this is sort of how I view my writing.  I write about many things, much of which is exploratory writing aimed at getting to the bottom of where my feelings and thoughts have come from. I speculate about why I feel a certain way and question whether or not it fits with the better version of myself that I’m seeking to be. This kind of exploratory writing is not something I generally share with others, except with those closest to me.

The next kind of writing that I practice is writing in the voice of the person that I want to be. Sometimes this sort of writing can sound a bit preachy.  I certainly don’t want to come off as sounding like I’m preaching to others about how they ought to be, or how they ought to live.  The truth is that I’m often preaching to myself.  I’m speaking to that voice in my head that likes to assert itself as me, from the voice of the person that I want to be.  This is the writing that I will sometimes share publicly if inspired to do so.

So please forgive me if I sound like I’m preaching a sermon sometimes. Know that I’m preaching to myself just as much or even more than I’m preaching to anyone else. And please understand that when you see me make a statement that contradicts my own written words, this is quite likely because of the fact that there are two versions of myself present in my writing. Sometimes we are locked in a battle. The old thoughts and fears are etched firmly in my brain, and sometimes they fight for survival. These old unhealthy thoughts and fears will not simply go quietly into the night. Sometimes the fears hide themselves in order to survive, and they pop up at the most unexpected times to try and sabotage my efforts at self improvement.

I cannot promise these fears won’t show up in my writing in this public place. But I can promise this. I promise to do my best to recognize when these fears are bubbling to the surface, and I will promptly take action to acknowledge it. I will not force the fears down or reject them. I will listen with compassion, and I will say thank you to that voice in my head that is bringing these fears to my attention. And, if I’m in the place I hope that I am, I will let the voice know that it has been heard, and that it can now relax and stand down. I got this.